Confessions of a Lost Drama Queen

I used to think I can control everything, my life and my dreams. No, erase that. I grew to unconsciously think that way.

Why? Well, maybe because things were going my way for so long. Yes, it was definitely challenging. However, things were really lining up for me. Back in college, I was able to achieve things I can only comprehend before in my dreams.

Don’t ask. I won’t specify because I’m really not the type to talk about myself like that. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t believe it can measure a person’s worth. However, my point is I had a taste of what people call, heaven on earth.

I was on cloud nine, but then, I failed to realize one thing. I lost myself in the process.

You see, this is the pitfall. Sometimes, when life gives you what you want, you tend to take things for granted. You are inclined to look for more. You tend to focus on what life failed to give you. So, you tend to grow tired of everything. You become unhappy.

I became unhappy.

I thought I was living the dream then suddenly, I want out. Yes, just like that, at a time when I should be the most focused. I was working for my future, for heaven’s sake. However, I lost my passion and started to question my choices.

I lost sight of my goal. It’s not rewarding anymore. Seriously, the motivation and discipline I have for so long went down the drain. I was definitely not the person who I used to be.

Slowly, people who knew me from even before started noticing. My college friends were getting really surprised. Yes, even my family took notice because I started to change and unconsciously at that.

I craved for partying and alcohol. Name it. I know, cliché. Bear with me. I became curious about a lot of things. You see, in my case, this was already big. I was not a social animal. I have lots of friends but I never even minded being alone before. Well, if not for the restraint I have left, I swear I may have gone wild. So, despite everything, I was able to keep the impulses under control. I mean, there is a big difference between socializing to wind down and socializing to escape. I wanted to escape and that is never a good thing.

I became enormously frustrated. Most of the people around me were so focused, so motivated, with precise goals and there I was, acting like a complete fool. I sensed I was lagging behind.

Some told me I was burnt out, I just needed to adjust. Some were asking what happened. But how can I explain? I didn’t even understand myself.

I came to a point that I really didn’t want to go on. For months, there were nights when I was crying myself to sleep because I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. There are no words. I felt so lost.

However, bless the people who never judged me. I mean, no one ever really knew the whole story for I’m not very vocal. It’s just hard for me to open up. But the people who were able to comprehend and offered me support were a real gem. They kept me sane and urged me to not completely lose my way. It was the first time I realized how important it is to ask someone how they are doing. You know, even the loneliest person can hide behind the brightest smile.

I admit. I hated myself with no mercy. I felt like I was losing my touch. However, I soon realized that was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. Don’t ask me how. It just happened. Yes, I was longing to be found. I wanted to be saved. I was looking for the solution but I was searching at the wrong place.

I forgot to look within.

You see, when I was drowning in sorrow, I completely forgot. I forgot to look at my inner child, that simple girl with many dreams in life. I was so caught up with this thing called being an adult, this pointless race that man invented where you need to run fast to not get left behind. Well, I ran hard but with no clear direction in sight.

I forgot how to dream.

Before, when I had nothing, I realized I was wiser. I was stronger because I needed to be resilient enough to withstand challenges. I was grateful of the small things, the little achievements I gained because I know that in each step, I’ll be closer to what I was aspiring for. When I had nothing, I had patience. I had faith that someday, all my dreams would come true. I was kinder to myself.

I lost these virtues.

So, I came to learn of the process again. I was reminded of the fact that life is a constant cycle of a big rollercoaster adventure. I needed this strife because I was getting caught up with routine. I was losing meaning.

With this, I was also able to broaden my perspective. I realized through random, deep conversations that maybe, at some point, everyone feels the same and it’s selfish to assume that I have all the problems in the world. I mean, one way or another, self-destructive thoughts are part of human nature and some are just better at dealing with it. The challenge, therefore, is to get over it.

However, one may think what I’m talking about is just as easy as tic-tac-toe, or just as evident as the great wall itself. But look around, there’s a big difference between knowing and actually learning. We were thought a lot of things about life. The question is, are we really understanding it?

But I guess we are hardwired to sabotage ourselves. It’s just that society made us forget the real essence of living. So, I urge you. Please, no matter what, never let anyone and not even yourself, tell you you’re not good enough. Baby, you’re more than enough. Yes, and I’m slowly learning the same.

We are so much more. We are so much more than our flaws. We are so much more than our failures. We are so much more than our biggest regrets. There’s a bright future ahead of us. We just have to keep going. Why can’t we see that?

So, if you are feeling lost, stuck in a hole somewhere, or unable to cope, please don’t lose hope. Trust in the process. There’s a way out. You just need to open your eyes. Believe me for I’m now seeing the light.

 Come on, catch up.

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